A Love Letter to Dunkin' Frozen Coffee
When I think about it too much or too hard, I get really sad because of how little friends I feel like I have; I feel so incredibly lonely and it feels so heavy and I hate it; I make myself feel even worse by looking at old pictures from grammar school, the last two years in which I felt so carefree, happy, and popular. I sometimes still wish I could be popular ---- that I could be the life of the party and have loads and loads of friends everywhere I go ---- and I sometimes cry thinking about how this is never going to be possible, because I don't have an outgoing or loud enough personality for that to ever happen.
Recently, though, I've started reevaluating my life; it isn't necessary for me to be popular. As long as I have a few friends that love and care about me, then that is perfect evidence that I am "popular" ---- I am "popular" amongst the friends that I have, and I've made it my new and current life goal to invest more in these relationships. I need to work on spending more time with these friends and filling my life with more moments and memories with them.
So, yesterday, I wanted to put that goal into action: I spent time with a good friend from the first university I attended; I drove out to her town so we could shop and have lunch, and we decided to have sushi. This is only the second time I've ever had it, but I think that it's my new favorite food ---- the spicy tuna roll in particular ---- which is something that I never would have thought that I would ever say. For years, I avoided trying sushi because the idea of raw fish freaked me out, but the factor for me finally deciding to stop avoiding it was that I knew that I needed to stop being so close-minded; I needed to start trying new things more. Trying and liking sushi is an excellent example of how good things happen when one steps outside one's comfort zone (even if the comfort zone in this case only involves food, it still counts).
The sushi in my friend's town was delicious and I'm so happy that I was able to go there to eat it, but I am even more happy that I was able to spend time with my friend. She was my roommate my junior year of college and during that year (and the year before that), she was so amazingly supportive of me while I was dealing with my depression and anxiety. Even though we haven't seen each other in over a year, she is still so supportive and kind to me as I've been struggling. It is friends like her that I need to remind myself of every time I am crying and lonely; I can't keep dwelling on past failed friendships or other could-have-been relationships.
During lunch and coffee afterward, my friend patiently let me go off on a rant (I guess, sometimes, I'm really not as quiet as I think I am) about my uncertain and confused feelings about my life and the people in it. I went on and on about how I'm so frustrated at myself for feeling like I need a boyfriend or even just a guy I'm "talking to" in order to make my life complete ---- how I hate that without one, I feel unwanted and worthless. My friend, wise like always, tried explaining to me that having a boyfriend isn't everything, because who I am is enough ---- that I am enough without some guy telling me that I am. She told me (just as my other good friends have been telling me as well) that, right now, I should and need to be truly, and most importantly, focusing on myself ---- on improving myself and getting better. She knows that I'm in a bad place, and she wanted me to see that a guy couldn't pull me out of this place; I needed to be the one to pull myself out of it.
Not surprisingly, my stubbornness didn't initially allow my ears to fully hear or my eyes to fully see this, because for some reason, I stupidly associate my worth with how much some guy supposedly wants me or cares about me. I want to punch myself in the face, because I am SO annoyed at myself for having this mindset and way of thinking. Driving back home from her town, I couldn't get it out of my head: Why do I suddenly feel like my worth value increases every time a guy shows interest in me ---- that when there isn't a guy or potential maybe guy in my life, I feel like it's pointless? Why do I keep searching for a guy to be with (in all the wrong places ---- i.e. Tinder ---- I should probably add)? Why can't I just be okay with being single, with working on me and truly trying ---- not just half-trying ---- to make my depression and anxiety better? WHY. DO. I. THINK. THIS. WAY?
When I got home, I was scrolling through Instagram and I saw a quote that was like a slap in the face, because it said exactly what my friend was trying to say (and more): "There's so much more to life than finding someone who will want you, or being sad over someone who doesn't. There's a lot of wonderful time to be spent discovering yourself without hoping someone will fall in love with you along the way, and it doesn't need to be painful or empty. You need to fill yourself up with love, not anyone else. Become a whole being on your own. Go on adventures, fall asleep in the woods with friends, wander around the city at night, sit in a coffee shop on your own, write on bathroom stalls, leave notes in library books, dress up for yourself, give to others, smile a lot. Do all things with love, but don't romanticize love like you can't survive without it. Live for yourself and be happy on your own. It isn't any less beautiful, I promise."
I NEED to start following all of the advice of this quote:
~ I need to start discovering myself and who the heck I am (and really want to be, for that matter) without constantly searching for and hoping I'll find a guy to fall in love with me. I need to start realizing that doing so doesn't need to be painful or empty.
~ I need to start filling myself up with love.
~ I need to start becoming a whole being on my own, because I don't need another person to make me whole ---- I am whole all by myself.
~ I need to start going on more adventures, even if that "adventure" is just to the grocery store; more importantly, I need to start trying to plan more adventures with friends, whatever kind of adventure that may be.
~ I need to start wandering more, because wandering doesn't always have to mean that I am lost (not all who wander are lost, duh).
~ I need to start sitting in more coffee shops on my own (which is actually something I'm doing right now... Starbucks rocks).
~ I need to start writing more (not necessarily on bathroom stalls, though).
~ I need to start reading more and maybe even leaving little notes in them for the next person that reads the book (even if that next person is just me reading it again).
~ I need to start dressing up for myself ---- maybe even wearing red lipstick just because I feel like it ---- not because I want to impress anyone or hope some special guy or potential special guy will notice me but because I just want to look good FOR ME.
~ I need to start giving more to others, whether that be giving money to a charity, volunteering somewhere, or buying my friends a coffee or lunch.
~ I need to start smiling a lot more, even when I don't feel like it and even when I'm sad; I need to start smiling more, because I might just make someone's day ---- I might just have the power to turn someone's crappy day into one that is just a little bit more tolerable.
~ I need to start doing all things with more love, whether that be giving more hugs/high fives or telling the people I care about just about much they truly mean to me.
~ I need to stop romanticizing love like I can't live without it, which means that I can't keep watching rom-coms and crying about how I'll never have what the couple in the movie has; I need to remind myself that rom-coms aren't entirely realistic.
~ I need to start living for myself, and, most importantly, I need to be happy on my own. I need to realize that being on my own isn't any less beautiful.
Last night, this huge quote was almost perfectly highlighted while I was seeing Pitch Perfect 3 with my friend from high school. One of the songs the (new) Barden Bellas sang was "Sit Still Look Pretty." Maybe I've never really listened to the lyrics before, or maybe I was finally just truly hearing them for the first time, but I once again felt like I was slapped in the face: "I don't know what you've been told, but this gal right here's gonna rule the world. Yeah that is where I'm gonna be, because I wanna be. No, I don't wanna sit still, look pretty."
Obviously, I don't want to rule the world, but I want to rule MY world. I don't want to just "sit still" and "look pretty" ---- I don't want to just "dress up to get love." I don't want to "wake up, make up, and play dumb, pretending that I need a boy." I don't want to do any of these things, because I don't want to just keep living my life as if I'm sitting around, waiting for love to finally come into my life. I don't need it to; if it happens, it happens, but I don't need to keep searching for it. Instead, I need to starting loving the things that are in my life right now with more ferocity, sincerity, and complexity than ever before:
1.) I need to start loving Dunkin' Donuts Frozen Coffees more. I always joke that they stole my heart a long time ago (i.e. the first time I tried one during the summer), and sure, I'm exaggerating a bit ---- I always talk in hyperboles anyway ---- but that's just because I just really love them a lot.
2.) I need to start loving dogs more, because I love their cuteness, loyalty, and innocence. More specifically, I need to start loving my dog more, which means that I need to start taking her for more (and longer) walks ---- although for now, while it's zero degrees outside, they might have to be put on hold for a little bit. I need to start giving her more belly rubs and head pats; I need to start giving her more attention.
3.) I need to start loving reading more, because I really do love it. I love real, paperback (or even hardcover) books, books that you can feel and turn the pages over. I love getting lost in the world of the book, picturing myself in the characters' places, and feeling like a TV show/movie is playing inside my head.
4.) I need to start loving writing more, because I love to be able to (almost) perfectly articulate what's going on inside my head. I love having the gift of being able to write well, because I know that it's something that many people find sort of difficult.
5.) I need to start loving painting more, because I love being able to get lost in what I'm doing for hours at a time. I love feeling calm and at peace; I love feeling like I'm turning off the world for a little while to focus just on creating an image whose origin started inside my head. I love being able to bring that image to life.
6.) ABOVE ALL, I need to start loving my family and friends more, because they are the most important people in the world to me ---- I will always always place them ahead of everything and anything. Their needs and wants will always take precedence over my own needs and wants.
Despite that last one, however, I know that I still need to start loving myself more, because, even though it's hard to believe and my stubbornness makes it difficult to convince myself, I really do deserve it; I deserve to love myself more.
xoxo,
Mag
