Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes... Kinda, Sorta

David Bowie isn't wrong when he sings, "[t]ime may change me, but I can't trace time," because since I've last blogged (basically seven months ago... holy cow!), a lot has happened --- a lot that has changed me from who I was to who I am now. Time really has changed me, and looking back on these past seven months is kind of baffling to me, because I really don't have any idea where the time went. I think that's the thing about time, though... you can never trace it. They always say that "time flies when you're having fun," but I don't think that this is entirely true; I know that this saying means that when you're having fun, you kind of forget about time all together, because all that you're focused on is experiencing and enjoying the moment(s). I get what the saying means in this sense. However, there have been plennnnnnnnnty of times these past several months when I wasn't having fun at all --- I was miserable --- and yet time still seemed to fly. I am finally beginning to realize that this is because time flies regardless if you're laughing, crying, or somewhere in between, because time doesn't really give a damn. It's going to pass. Always.

It's weird, you know? Because despite the whole "time flies when you're having fun" thing, while you're experiencing time, it (most often times) never really seems like it's moving very fast... but then all of a sudden, you look back and it's been seven months and a lot has changed, but at the same time, so SO much is still the same --- so much so that it's almost like it isn't actually seven months later because it feels like you're still stuck in the same place you were in seven dang months ago. I realize that a lot of what I'm saying is extremely contradictory (am I even making sense? I seriously hope I am). How is it possible for things to change yet simultaneously remain the same? How do you even define this? Well, I am that definition. Seven months ago, I was angry and sad basically all the time, and I was trying to release this anger and sadness by writing about how I was feeling on this very blog. It helped... sort of. I would have weird bursts of confidence where I would tell myself, "Share your blog! Let people read what you wrote. Maybe they can relate. Show people that they're not alone. Be the voice some lost soul can't seem to find." Writing it all out was beneficial, because I wasn't keeping everything bottled up like I used to do in high school. I was TALKING about it instead of keeping my mouth shut and letting it feel like it was choking the life out of me. This confidence would even (sometimes... occasionally) extend to other parts of my life, too: I wanted to go out all the time and try to talk to people; I wanted to actually ENJOY my twenties by spending more money than I should have on "treating" myself "just because." I wanted to wear red lipstick to be bold instead of blending in with the crowd like I usually tried to do --- I took the inspirational saying "You were born to stand out" and ran full speed ahead with it. I told myself that I really was born to stand out and that I deserved to stand out instead of hiding away.

The thing about confidence, though, is that it's a very hard thing for me to hold on to --- I can't seem to get a good grip on it. Let's put it this way: you know when you put too much lotion on your hands in the bathroom and then try to open the door, except it's way waaaaay too slippery? Well, for me, confidence is the door knob. Maybe it's even the door, too. If I'm going to stick with this metaphor, it would only make sense to say that I constantly feel like I have too much lotion on my hands, and I can never seem to grab on to the doorknob that would allow me to finally open the door to confidence... and that's what happened. I lost the confidence. I took down the link to my blog so people couldn't read it anymore, and I stopped writing all together. I blamed it on getting a new job (my first big girl job! Whoo!), but the truth is that I stopped wanting to be open; I wanted to be quiet again. I put away the red lipstick, because I didn't want to stand out anymore; I wanted to blend in again. Despite my confidence coming and going, though, I still continued to *try to* date, which brings me to part two of this whole "changing yet remaining the same" theme. It is in dating that I realized something I think that I knew all along: no matter how much you may learn throughout the trials and tribulations of dating -- throughout all the failed and even some good dates --- dating is always, always going to be really, really, REALLY hard... and this is because dating these days is never going to change. Put simply, dating in your twenties is always going to suck, and it's only going to be fun once in a blue moon. I know that sounds pretty freaking cynical, but that's because throughout these past seven months, I've learned that sometimes (most times actually) people can be really, really shitty and not everyone has the same heart that I do; not everyone cares as much as I do, and not everyone believes in explanations and being a nice, good person when you just aren't "feeling it." I blogged about it months and months ago (which is evidence that things really haven't changed all that much!!!): ghosting is a popular phenomenon nowadays, and I will never, ever understand it. I am embarrassed to admit that I have been ghosted more times than I can count on one hand. Actually, now that I'm sitting here thinking and writing about it, it is probably because of this stupid ghosting that my confidence keeps fading in and out (HOLY GUACAMOLE! What a revelation!). It's a crazy, messed up game, because dating has given me confidence... yet at the same time, it has taken it away: I have gained confidence because after a date, I always tell myself, "See! You were able to go on a date and keep up a good conversation even though you were nervous and anxious! You go, girl!" However, I instantly lost confidence when the guy would randomly decide to stop talking to me without warning --- literally out of nowhere. So, if dating is never going to change, then what? Are we all just screwed? Am I just screwed, doomed to always run into failures and to keep being pissed off that nothing ever seems to work out in my favor? Am I just destined to keep crying about yet another stupid boy giving me the same bullshit "it isn't you, it's me" excuse, or even worse, to just stop talking to me and to instead ignore me all together? Am I just supposed to keep thinking that there's something wrong with me, that I'm going to be alone forever and that no one is ever going to love me because I'm just so freaking hard to love? Despite that voice in the back of my head screaming, "Yes, you're screwed! You're dumb! There's something wrong with you and no one is ever going to love you because you're too much! You're too hard to love!", I know in my heart that none of these things are true. Despite all of these negative thoughts that I'm probably going to always somewhat have, and despite the fact that dating is always, ALWAYS going to be hard, I know that I need to keep being positive and having hope about it all. Yes, dating is probably never going to change, because let's be honest: this generation really does suck, and it's never going to stop sucking. Some people are always going to ghost people for reasons that don't make sense to me (and will truly never make sense) but apparently make sense in their brains. BUT, even if dating is never going to change, that doesn't mean that I can't and won't. To contradict myself yet again (what else is new?): yes, in a lot of ways, I'm still exactly where I was seven months ago, because I'm still angry and sad a lot of the time about sooooo many different things that it's hard to keep track of them all. I'm still arguably right where I was just about seven months ago, right down to being at the same job (yay, waitressing... Stay tuned for that explanation to come!). However, I'm also very different, because, for starters, I've learned to be a lot more careful with my feelings when it comes to dating. Sure, it's always fun to jump into the deep end because "I'm young! I only live once! Dating is all about having fun! I have nothing to lose!" At the same time, though, being so reckless is a recipe for disaster and is only going to lead to yet another night of crying and repeatedly face palming myself for being incredibly stupid (apparently, I really do have a lot to lose; it's called hope. Heavy sigh). Mr. Bowie (you're a smart cookie, by the way), looking back on these past seven months, I really have no idea where the time went. I really can't trace it at all, and I really can't pinpoint the exact moment when I realized that dating sucks and that it's never going to change. I'm not sure when exactly I realized that I'm the one that needs to change. I have absolutely no idea when that light bulb went off and I finally realized so many other simple (yet apparently really difficult) things... but I know that I have changed, and I will always keep changing and learning. Always. xoxo,

Mag