Letter To Me

"You got so much up ahead You'll make new friends You should see your kids and wife And I'd end by saying have no fear These are nowhere near The best years of your life..."

Sitting in Starbucks today, instead of blogging like I was supposed to be doing (it was the reason I went there, after all. Starbucks has become my new personal office), I was scrolling through the newest posts on my Instagram feed ---- I hope everyone (whoever is reading my blog, that is) is noticing a pattern, here ---- and I came across this quote:

"A letter to myself:

I want you to fall so deeply in love with yourself that you forget what it ever felt like to be hurt by someone else. I want you to love every inch of yourself, from the little frizzy hairs sprouting from your gorgeous head that used to always annoy you, to the stubby little toes you used to hate, especially in the summer. I want you to love the creases you get under your eyes when you smile. I want you to love your tummy that you've always been so insecure about. I want you to love the way you walk, talk, and breathe. I want you to love the way you live, the way you exist. I want you to love yourself the way you love sunsets: purely and full of joy. I want you to love yourself so much that you don't need anyone else to love you in order to be happy."

Firstly, it obviously made me think about everything that the quote was saying and how I really really want all of that: I want to fall so deeply in love with myself (and not in a weird, narcissistic way, but in a happy, confident, "I know who I am" kind of way) that I forget what it ever felt like to be hurt by another person. I want to love every inch of myself, from the poofy hairs sprouting out of my head (because my hair gets so so poofy, especially when it's humid) that always annoy me like crazy, to my weird little toes that I've never been a fan of and have always kind of secretly hated. I want to love the creases I get in the corners of my eyes when I smile. I want to love my tummy that I have always been so incredibly insecure about, so much so that going to the beach was (and is) always such an anxiety-inducing experience for me. I want to love the way that I walk, talk (even though I always think the sound of my own voice is slightly annoying), and breathe. I want to love the way I live, the way I exist. I want to love myself the way that I truly and completely love sunsets, with so much pure joy that I can't stop myself from smiling so much. I want to love myself so much that I don't need anyone else to love me in order for me to be happy.

I know that I can do all of these things ---- I can love myself in all the ways that the quote says (and more), so completely that I surprise myself with how capable I am of self-loving. I know that I am a very loving person because of how much I genuinely love my family and friends and how passionately I try to be a good person, so if I can love them like that, then I know that I am capable of loving myself like that; if I can passionately be a good person toward other people, then I know that I can be one toward myself, too. I am capable of self-love, and with my new goal of practicing more positive self-talk, I know that I can do it. I know so.

Secondly, this quote made me think of the song by Brad Paisley called "Letter to Me" ---- hence the blog title ---- and the lyrics in the opening paragraph are some of my favorites (except change the "wife" to "husband"... of course it wouldn't rhyme anymore, but oh well. Whatcha gon' do); listening to the song, I was inspired to write my own letter to myself ---- past, present, and future. This letter is going to be a long one, but, hey. It's to myself, and I like to read anyway, so w h a t e v a. Here goes nothin':

Dear Maggie,

You're just a little eighteen-year-old, and I know you're terrified, lonely, sad, and so many other things. The past four years of high school weren't entirely what you hoped that they would be. Sure, academically and athletically they were pretty great, but aside from them, you had some rough patches. You thought a lot about suicide starting when you were sixteen as a result of social challenges. These social challenges felt quite awful: you always had to ask boys to be your dates for dances, and I know that this scared you because you thought it meant that you were undesirable. You thought it meant that no one would ever like you or want you ---- you thought you were going to be alone forever. You CAN'T think like this. High school boys are stupid, and it's okay that they don't notice you. You'll find a good, nice guy one day. You also lost a lot of friends that you weren't expecting to lose, and you threw your graduation cap up in the air by yourself on graduation night. I know you cried, lil' gal, and that's okay that you did ---- don't be embarrassed about it. You tried to hide it, but I know that it was hard to keep the tears in. I know you choked on these tears, because this was supposed to be a happy moment. I know that this moment was happy for you, in a sense, because it meant that you did it, that you survived. I know you were happy for it all to be over, but you were also so sad because you wanted more time to change things, to make them different and better. I know you wanted more time to be happier. I wish you would realize that you're going to be okay. I wish you would realize that losing friends is okay, because you're going to meet so many new and wonderful people down the road, and they will make you smile and laugh... even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

You're still a little eighteen-year-old, except now maybe you're a little bit "bigger" because you're in college now. I know that being in college makes you feel all cool and responsible, but that doesn't mean you should think you can do it all on your own and figure it all out without any help. Ask for help. It doesn't mean you're any less independent. I know how badly you wanted to go to a university two hours away because you wanted to escape your neighborhood and all the bad memories that you think it holds... but I wish you would realize that you can't escape the pain, because it's inside you (and that this is OKAY). I know it's frustrating that you can't see it, and I'm sorry. I will let you have it; your neighborhood holds painful memories, memories that will make you cry years and years later... but they also hold amazing memories, memories that made you smile and laugh so hard that your face and your chest hurt. You have to remember those ones, too. I wish you wouldn't cry so much because of how lonely you feel and how much you miss home. It's okay to miss home, lil' gal, but you have to remember that you have friends on the cross country team that will help you to feel better. You have to remember and realize that you aren't as alone as you feel.

You're just a silly nineteen-year-old, and I know that you're still terrified, lonely, sad, and so many other things. Things still aren't better, and you're still hurting. You start going to therapy and taking anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication because you think that they'll magically make all the pain go away. You think that the pills are magic, lil' gal, but they're not; they're just helpers, and you need to still help yourself, too. However, that doesn't mean that you're the only person who needs to help you; you need to let other people help you. You need to talk about it to your friends. They are good and loving and kind, and they will help you. You can't keep everything bottled up inside. You can't keep focusing on the stupid guys who don't notice you. I know that it hurts. I know that it hurts when your roommate is invited places over you ---- I know it hurts to be left out ---- because she is more outgoing and confident. But, gal, you can't keep wishing that you could be her, because THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. It is completely okay that you are quiet and shy. Guys will notice you. Please try not to feel left out, and please try not to cry because you feel this way. Hang out with your friends on the team who live on your floor in your dorm. Please try not to isolate yourself. It isn't and never will make you feel better; it will just continue to make you feel worse.

You're just a dumb twenty-year-old, and I know that you're STILL terrified, lonely, sad, and so many other things. Things STILL aren't better, and you're STILL hurting. You're STILL going to therapy and taking medication, and you're frustrated that they're not working. You need to be patient, gal. I know it's very weird for you that guys are finally starting to notice you. I know that it scares you, and because of this fear, you push them away. I wish you wouldn't push people away, because not everyone is going to hurt you. You can't think that everyone is going to hurt you, because this way of thinking is just destructive, and it more importantly isn't true. There are good people in this world, lil' gal ---- there are good guys in this world. I wish you would give them a chance to prove that they are, but by that same token, I wish you wouldn't tolerate the fuckboy that you met that one night at that party, because you deserve better than that. You are worth way way more than a "U up?" text; you are worth way way more than him only texting you when he's bored. Seriously. Don't hang out with him.

You're just a confused twenty-one-year old, and I know that, not surprisingly, you're terrified, lonely, sad, and so many other things, because things aren't better and you're hurting worse than ever. The frustration is boiling up so much inside of you, because you've been through so many SSRIs that you just want to give up. Therapy doesn't seem to be helping either, and you feel so lost. You aren't lost, though, lil' gal, and you need to keep being patient. Recovery isn't a magical process, even though you wish like hell that it could be. You're still finding yourself and figuring out who you are and who you want to be, and that's completely okay. YOU DON'T NEED TO HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT RIGHT NOW. It's completely okay that you can't handle it all on your own anymore; it's completely okay that you need to move back home so your parents can help you. You need to remember that they love you a lot. You need to remember and realize that transferring back home to finish your degree doesn't mean that you failed. So you made it three years and couldn't stick it out for just one more year. So what? You are not a failure, and you didn't deserve to have to cry all the time your final semester at that first university. I wish you would've asked for help. You don't need to do it all on your own, lil' gal! Why can't you get that through your lovely, confused head? I know relying on people is incredibly scary. I know you're still scared to trust people, and that's okay, but you still need to keep trying.

You're just a stupid twenty-two-year old, because you're so so mean to yourself, despite everything you've been through. I get it. You're pissed off and angry all the time, because all the pain, loneliness, and sadness is still there and you feel like it's never going to go away. I know you feel like you're stuck feeling like this forever, but you aren't stuck. You're getting better everyday. Please open up your eyes and realize that. Gal, you're such a kind and loving person, and yet you hate yourself. Why do you hate yourself? Why do you look in the mirror and hate what you see? You are a smart, beautiful, caring, talented, and brave girl. You need to believe that, and you need to stop being so stubborn when people tell you that you are these things. Accept compliments, because people wouldn't say them if they didn't mean them. I know it still scares you that guys notice you... despite your desire to be invisible, I know that you desperately want attention, too, because you just want to feel like you're worth something. But, lil' gal, you are worth something all on your own, and you need to stop being so desperate. I'm sorry to be harsh, but you can't be desperate. You need to get it out of your head that having a guy like or "want" you means that you are suddenly more important than you were before a guy entered the picture. This isn't true. You are important without a guy, and you don't need one to make you happy. Sure, having a guy in your life is very cool ---- I won't deny that it does feel good to have a nice guy smile at you like you're important to him ---- but you can be happy all by yourself. This means that you need to stop being so mean to yourself. You deserve to start loving yourself, because you are very much a lovable person. You need to love yourself a lot, and one day you will find a guy who loves you just as much, too. Please believe that.

You're just an insert adjective here, insert age here. You are confident, carefree, charismatic, and charming. You are successful, whether you have your dream job yet or not, because you are hardworking and you do whatever job you have with so much care and compassion. You are loved, whether you have a boyfriend or a fiancé or a husband yet, because you have a family and so many friends that love you like crazy. If you're single, enjoy it, because you are an independent woman who don't need no man. Seriously. You are such a whole person by yourself that it's truly amazing. That being said, though, if you have a boyfriend or fiancé or perhaps even a husband, love him like something fierce. Love him with as much genuineness as you love your family and friends. Be yourself with him: your weird, quirky, nerdy self. Let him see how red your face gets when you laugh, even though you're embarrassed by it. Allow yourself to be embarrassed. Allow yourself to make mistakes, because MISTAKES ARE OKAY TO MAKE. You don't need to be the perfect girlfriend/fiancé/wife. You don't need to be the perfect daughter, sister, friend, or employee either. Who you are ---- all that you are ---- is enough. Be proud of yourself.

Always and forever,

Maggie

I could probably go on and on and on if I wanted to, but I think this is a good place to stop, because truthfully, I don't know what my future holds. Heck, I don't even know what tomorrow holds, or even what later today holds. I do know, though, that whatever it holds will be great... or maybe it won't be so great, but that's totally okay. Not every moment is going to be great.

Last night, I went to a Jazzercise class with my good friend. I felt awkward and weird the whole time, but I still had a lot of fun and found myself laughing and smiling because of how funny I probably looked; I am a terrible dancer, and that's probably because I am ridiculously uncoordinated. Despite the awkwardness that I felt, though, I am still able to say that I tried something new and stepped outside of my comfort zone (which is technically one of my New Year's resolutions, so heck yeah!!!). On the drive home, my friend told me that at one point, she looked over at me and I just had a look of complete glee on my face and that it made her smile. I've decided that I want every day to be like last night: I want to take on each day with so much pure joy and glee on my face that it makes other people smile and happy.

Obviously, I know that this is going to be hard to do, and honestly, I know that I'm not going to be able to do it sometimes. With my depression and anxiety at the levels that they're at right now, I am not naive enough to think that the loneliness, sadness, emptiness, fear, anger, etc, etc are just going to disappear. They're unfortunately going to be there for a little while, but they're going to decrease in intensity and size as I continue going to therapy to work through things and take my medication to help out with it all. More importantly, as I continue working on being more positive, my depression and anxiety are going to take a backseat in my life instead of controlling it like they are right now.

Maybe one of these days, I'll write a letter to my depression and anxiety. I know that it'll be a hard letter to write, because it's going to be filled with so much anger and hatred, and anger and hatred are two very scary emotions (okay, all emotions are scary, but still) to have.

For now, though, I'll just stick with this letter to me.

xoxo,

Mag