Life Advice From A Try-Hard
For a long time now, I've hated who I am. I hate almost every part of me, even though I know that I shouldn't and that this is no way to live. I KNOW that I need to love myself (every part of myself), because if I don't, then I'm screwing myself over; if I don't, I'm never going to live the kind of life that I so desperately want: a truly and completely happy one.
One of the things I hate most about myself is that I try so hard in every little thing I do all the dang time. It's tiring (borderline exhausting), and I have convinced myself that people hate me because of my overachiever-ness, which makes me hate myself; I have convinced myself that every time I meet a new person, they must already hate me (even though they know nothing about me) because I am a try-hard. My thought process is weird.
I don't know why I convince myself that everyone hates me; it doesn't make sense. The simple solution would be "Well just stop trying so hard then. Stop thinking that way," right? But it isn't actually simple... at least for me it's not. I have tried so hard to not think this way. I have tried so hard to not try so hard ---- I have tried to stop being an overachiever ---- but I can't do it. For some reason, I feel the need to try too hard; I crave it, and I don't know why; I don't know why I have this obsession with being perfect... I just do. It doesn't matter what the occasion or situation is ----- I always try too hard, because I need and want to achieve perfection in every occasion or situation.
The truth staring me right in my stubborn, freckled face is this: I absolutely canNOT keep convincing myself that just because I try too hard, it means that people hate me. Sure, it probably/maybe bothers some people that I'm an overachiever and a perfectionist; they might even hate me for it, BUT that doesn't mean that everyone hates me for it. My friends and family don't hate me for it, and they are the ones who really matter ---- they are the only ones that matter. Their opinions of me are the only ones that should matter... random strangers' opinions should not.
And sOoOoOoOo, I need to accept myself for who I am: a try-hard (True Life: I Am A Try-Hard). I need to accept that it's okay that I am this way; it's okay that I'm an overachiever. It's okay that I'm a perfectionist, because being this way shows that I care ---- being this way is proof that I am a caring person. It is okay. I am okay, and because of this, "i will wait and i will wait until the world is tired of me."
The world can get tired of my try-hard ways and my overachieving, perfectionist tendencies, but that's okay... and I'll tell you why it's okay: because being these things makes me who I am, and there is nothing wrong with who I am. I'll say it louder for the people in the back ---- the people in the back being the parts of me that desperately want to hate and reject me for being this way, that is ---- THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH WHO I AM.
Here are some facts that are based on a quote I saw yesterday:
I'm young, and I'm scared. But why am I so scared? I need to stop swallowing my words. I need to stop caring about what other people think. I need to start speaking my mind. I need to wear what I want. I need to listen to the music I want to listen to and play it as loud as I can and dance to it. I need to go out for a drive at midnight and forget that I have early-morning obligations the next day. I need to stop waiting for Friday. I need to live NOW. I need to do it NOW. I need to start living.
I guess this quote is part of my advice to everyone else out there who may be reading this, because everyone deserves to be able to do everything that it talks about: everyone deserves to stop being scared. Everyone deserves to stop swallowing their words and to start speaking their minds. Everyone deserves to stop caring about what other people think. Instead, people deserve to wear what they want. They deserve to listen to the music they want to listen to and to play it as loud as they can and to dance to it. They deserve to go out for a drive at midnight, regardless of work or school or whatever they have going on the next morning. They need to stop waiting for Friday. Everyone deserves to live NOW, and they deserve to do it now. Everyone deserves to start living.
Everyone also deserves to follow these other mini pieces of advice based on things that I have personally learned lately:
1.) Take a shower and turn the water as hot or as cold as you can handle, especially when you're so angry, sad, and lonely that you've somehow started to feel numb. Let it burn or freeze your skin ---- stay under the water spout for as long as you want to or need to ---- to remind you that you are alive and that even though it may not always feel like, you are completely capable of feeling. Your body and your mind are very much wonderful things that will continue to carry you through your life, your wonderful life. Scalding and freezing water are good reminders that terrible things and terrible feelings can be washed away, and that they will be washed away, even if it takes a little while (or a long while). Terrible feelings won't last forever; numbness won't last forever.
2.) Take a nap. It's always okay to do so, and you shouldn't feel lazy for it, even if you've done seemingly "nothing" all day. For that matter, you should never think that you did "nothing." If you woke up, then that's still something. Even if you just did your laundry or made yourself breakfast, then that's still something. Anything you do, no matter how tiny, is still something. And when you nap, sleep as long as you want. Sure, you're only technically supposed to nap for an hour, but if you want to sleep just a little bit longer, then do it... it's very possible that it might mess up your sleep schedule, but if your body is staying asleep for a long time, it means that it needs it. Give your body what it needs. Nap because you're tired; nap because you're sad; nap because you're bored. Whatever the reason, don't deprive yourself of napping.
3.) Stop feeling lazy just because you're unemployed. Being unemployed doesn't necessarily correlate with being lazy. Yes, there are some examples of unemployed people being incredibly lazy by sitting on the couch all day eating chips instead of trying to put in the effort of applying for jobs. This is obviously a stereotypical example, but the point is that if you're applying for multiple jobs a day on Indeed.com, LinkedIn, or whatever other kind of job-search site, and waiting to hear back from employers, you're not lazy. It's very necessary to try to understand that you need to be patient throughout this process. You can't get too frustrated, even though getting frustrated is kind of inevitable. Do other things to try to distract yourself from this frustration, like painting, reading, writing, walking, watching movies, etc. Enjoy this period of time of waiting and calmness, because life won't always be this way. In fact, it might be the last time that you will experience calmness like this; ENJOY IT.
4.) Go out and do new things and be in new situations, even if they make your heart beat so fast and so hard that you feel like it might beat right out of your chest. This is another piece of evidence that you are able to feel and of how amazing your body really is, of how amazing your heart really is. In doing new things or in being in a new situation, allow yourself to be nervous ---- being nervous means that you care ---- but please remind yourself that the situation isn't as scary as you think it is. Please remind yourself that you don't need to feel as if you should run for the hills or fly away while screaming bloody murder. If you have a hard time reminding yourself of these things, do the new things or be in the new situations with people in your life who make you feel safe, comfortable, and sure of yourself, because they will help you do new things; they will help you through new situations (whatever the situations may be). Keep doing them with those people until you are confident and comfortable enough to do them on your own. You will get there. Gaining confidence and comfortable-ness just sometimes takes a little bit of time, and that is always completely okay.
5.) Dress for yourself. Do your makeup for yourself. Straighten or curl your hair for yourself. Do all of these things because you want to look good for YOU, not for anyone else. If you want to wear red lipstick to a bar on the Southside even though you'll most definitely feel a little out of place, then do it. Who cares what people think? Who cares if you don't fit in with everyone else there? You weren't meant to fit in, anyway; you were born to stand out. Wear the lipstick, because it makes you feel unstoppable ---- like a badass. If you don't want to do any of these things, then don't, because it is still completely possible to be and feel beautiful without a nice outfit or makeup/hair. You can be and feel beautiful with a fresh, makeup-less face and your hair in a messy bun. Besides, a messy bun will always be a fabulous hairstyle.
6.) Allow yourself to feel ---- even if you're so sad that you feel SO heavy, even if you end up crying so hard that you can't stop your body from shaking; allow yourself to feel, even when you're so angry that you swear you can almost quite literally feel your blood boiling and the steam coming out of your ears, even if you end up screaming into your pillow so hard that your throat hurts. Allow yourself to feel, even if you're so happy that you just want to do cartwheels and backflips everywhere even though you would most definitely break yourself trying to do so, even if you end up smiling so much that day that your face hurts. Allow yourself to feel, even if you're so scared that your teeth chatter and you shiver like crazy, even if you end up yelping so loud that the person watching the scary movie next to you laughs at you. Allow yourself to feel
--- always ---- even if your emotions feel like "too much." They aren't too much, and it is totally necessary to let your emotions be free. You should never keep them bottled up inside. Never. Feel them. Always.
7.) Look up at the sky. Look up at the sky when the sun is rising, when it's filled with so many lovely pinks and purples and blues and yellows and oranges that you wish you could just copy and paste them on to the walls in your bedroom. Look up at the sky when it's daytime, when it's such a beautiful baby blue that you wish you could bottle it up and turn that color into pretty earrings ---- look up at the daytime sky when the sun is shining so vibrantly that you can only imagine what it would be like to feel like what that yellow looks like. Look up at the sky when the sun is setting, when it's filled with the same lovely colors as when the sun was rising ---- look at the sky when the sun is setting, and please realize that you made it through yet another day. Look up at the sky when it's nighttime, even though there aren't nearly as many stars in the Chicago sky as there are in the sky in a place like Michigan ---- look up at the nighttime sky anyway, pick out the Big Dipper, and notice how all of the stars sparkle in their own unique ways, brighter than any diamond in existence. Look up at the sky even if it's a dull, gray day and there's no hope of the sun shining, even if it seems like there isn't much to see ---- look up at the gray sky and notice how the light grays and whites swirl together almost in a pattern-like way. Look up at the sky ---- no matter the time of day and no matter the weather ---- always.
8.) Dance. Whether it be alone in your room as you're getting ready for the day/night or in front of people when you're out at a bar on a Friday or Saturday night, DANCE... even if you're bad at it and feel a little awkward because you're still very unsure of your body and have no idea how to "move it" in the right way. Who cares what the "right" way is? There is no right way, because whatever way you want to dance, then you should dance. Try not to think (I know, I know. It's hard, but try anyway) about whether or not people are looking at you and judging you hard core. Chances are they aren't judging you at all because they're just trying to dance and have fun, too. Dancing is a chance to express yourself, and no one should be judged for that. Expressing yourself is important, and you should be allowed to dance wherever, whenever. If you feel like dancing in the middle of the grocery store while shopping for ingredients to buy guac, do it. If you feel like dancing down the street when you're outside walking your dog, do it. If you feel like dancing when you're not doing anything at all, do it. Dance as much or as little as you want to. Seriously.
And there you have it: life advice from a try-hard.
xoxo,
Mag
