To All The Boys I've Loved Before

First things first... I'm the realest.

Ha, no. But seriously. First things first, I have never actually "loved" any boy(s) before in my life (well, other than my dad and my brothers, but this kind of love --- familial love --- is far different than the kind of love that goes on in a romantic relationship... obviously). Just like the main character from the recently extremely popular movie (which I've watched approximately five times so far probably) with the same title that inspired the name of this blog, a lot of my "intense" crushes that I've had on boys (pretty much at least one boy for almost every year I've been in school... I have no idea why. Fun fact: I can still name every boy I've ever liked since I was in kindergarten. Yes, my memory is very weird) were born out of fantasy. These crushes weren't real, and I think I knew deep down that nothing would ever happen, that all the boy would ever be was just yet another boy to add to the list of ones that I thought that I liked. For the record, I've never actually written a letter to any of the boys that I had crushes on in the past like the main character, Lara Jean, does in the movie. Sure, sometimes I was super brave and told them that I liked them (or rather had a friend tell him, because let's be honest: I was never all that brave and talking to boys freaked the absolute HECK out of grammar school me), but that was it; nothing ever happened. Zilch. Nada. I think that especially in grammar school, I just liked the idea of liking a boy. I was a big nerd and an even bigger teacher's pet, so seeing who was in my homeroom every year was a good source of entertainment for me and an even better distraction from thinking about something other than school all the dang time. The same can sort of be said for high school, except cross country was added into the mix. All I ever cared about was school and running, so having a guy to "like" as a distraction was always fun. I would stupidly fantasize about that guy becoming my boyfriend, even though the guy either had no idea I existed or didn't see me that way. Again, they were arguably what could be defined as "fake" crushes; they weren't real.

It was probably around my senior year of high school that I developed my first "real" crush, one that was born out of actually talking to and hanging out with the guy (okay, not one-on-one though, just to be clear) ---- one that was "real" because I thought that there was a real possibility that the guy could actually like me back. Buuuuuuut once again, that possibility was just a fantasy, and, not surprisingly, these possibilities-that-are-actually-just-fantasies continued to college... that is until my junior year when I decided that there was no point in "liking" guys because they were never going to like me back, that I was just destined to never experience anything close to a relationship. I know that there are several flaws to that way of thinking, starting with the fact that it wasn't true that I was "never" going to be liked by a guy; the very scary truth was that I wasn't as invisible as I thought I was. Even though I thought I was way too quiet, shy, and awkward to be noticed, I was occasionally seen... and it scared the hell out of me, because I didn't want to be liked and I didn't want to be noticed (but wait... how can this make sense when I had been fantasizing about a guy liking me basically since I could walk??? This is yet again MORE evidence of how confusing I am). I didn't want to allow the possibility of a relationship because I was terrified: terrified of letting the guy in and allowing him to get close enough to really know me --- all of me, terrified of him not liking me anymore once he knew all of my flaws... or even worse, terrified of that guy STILL liking me and wanting to spend time with me despite my flaws. Above all, though, I was terrified that this liking could turn into loving --- and I was terrified of being loved. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because I think that (even though some don't want to admit it) every person's dream (sort of) is to be loved like the kind you read about in fairytales: the "happily ever after" kind of love. The "I would slay dragons for you" kind of love. The "my kiss can wake you up from a poison or spell-induced sleep" kind of love. The "this isn't entirely realistic and nothing is actually ever this perfect" kind of love. People pretend to be cynical and have black or cold hearts because they're scared or have been hurt really badly, but I think that everyone really and truthfully wants this kind of love... or at least the kind of love that makes them smile so big that their face hurts. The kind of love that makes them feel something that they never thought that they could feel. The kind of love that makes them finally understand what romantic love actually is and means. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, because I am exactly like this: I have always wanted to know and understand what romantic love is and means... but I think that this is a huuuuge part of my problem. Yes, I want to know what it is --- and a year ago I even decided to start putting myself out there and to stop being so scared and to DATE instead of just fantasizing about it so that I could maybe even quite possibly find out what love is --- but at the same time, I'm SCARED to know. Once again, like Lara Jean (I think she might be my new spirit animal), I love reading about love or watching cheesy movies about love like The Notebook or Fault in Our Stars, but when it could maybe one day be real, it's scary; Lara Jean describes it perfectly when she says, "The more people you let into your life, the more that can just walk right out." *Sigh.* I get it. I am well aware that thinking that people are going to be in your life forever is a naive and downright stupid way of thinking... and yet I'm scared to let anyone in anymore because of the possibility that they can walk away. It feels like I've watched way too many people walk out of my life after only being in it for a short time --- even though I thought that I wanted them to be in it for a lot longer. I'm scared because it seems like nine times out of ten when I decide to let someone into my life (which is hard for me to do in and of itself), they walk out, and I know that "if they walk away, that just means that they weren't worth it"... but I also know that I am so, SO tired of risking letting people in and letting them get to know me just to watch them walk out later. I get it. Dating in your twenties is supposed to be like this: it's about risk. It's about getting to know someone and letting someone get to know you so you can both figure out what you want (and don't want). It's about figuring out if what you want is each other... and it's about learning and understanding that it's okay if the feelings aren't mutual. Unfortunately, it's about discovering what hurt is and that hurt is inevitable. I. get. it. But this past year of dating has been so incredibly discouraging, disheartening, and so many other prefix dis- words, and it has squashed any hope of ever finding out what love means, because I just continuously keep running face first into wall after wall of failure... and each time I run into these walls, it makes me build mine higher; it makes me want to shut people out. It makes me want to stop letting people in, because what's the point of letting someone in when they're just going to leave? After the last dumb, failed fling I experienced, I told myself that I was done letting people in and letting them get to know me... because no one is actually interested in or cares about getting to know me. After the last dumb, failed fling (or whatever the heck you call almost-relationships these days... truly I have no idea), I finally came to the conclusion that in most guys' worlds, girls are just stupid fishes. Here's how it usually goes: Most guys will pretend to be interested. They'll throw the "you're beautiful" comments at girls as bait so they bite (aka they fall for the bullshit) and the guys can then reel them in and make them think that they care about the girls... but in reality, they don't give a shit. The goal is just to see how many they can catch, only to release the girls again shortly after they get what they want. Dating these days isn't about hopefully finding out what love means; it's about fishing, and it truly is extremely disappointing (hey, look! Another dis- word!) to know that this is the kind of world I live in: one where decency and chivalry and honesty aren't in many guys' vocabularies. HOWEVER, just to stick with the ever-present theme of contradicting myself... I did basically say "most" guys are assholes and that "many" guys don't know what decency, chivalry, and honesty are. There's an emphasis on "most" and "many," because despite being so discouraged, I KNOW that not all guys are assholes and not all guys are clueless about decency, chivalry, and honesty... and I know this because I look at my friends and the kind of guys that their husbands/fiancés/boyfriends are. I know this because I look at the kind of guys my dad and my older brother are, not only forever my two favorite guys in the world but more importantly my two favorite people in the world. I know this because despite everything, I still believe that there's a good guy somewhere out there for me.

The other night, I had a long, hard talk with my dad (one in which I basically bawled my eyes out, so much so that I felt physically and mentally exhausted afterward) about everything that I felt was going wrong with my life --- my student loans, the future, dumb guys, etc. It was during this talk that he said a lot things that were hard to hear, mostly because I'm stubborn and didn't want to believe them, but two of these things really stuck out and apply to this blog post. Firstly, he told me that I need to stop shutting people out of my "own little world," because the world is not out to get me. More importantly, he said that not everyone I meet is going to hurt me... and I know that he's right. Even though my mind most often times makes me think otherwise, not everyone I meet is going to hurt me, and not everyone I meet is going to leave. There are good, honest, and loving people in my life now (and probably some I haven't even met yet... who knows) who won't leave... BUT that isn't to say that they won't hurt me (and I unfortunately might even hurt them). To repeat myself: I need to realize that hurt is inevitable --- and a lot of times not intentional --- and that it might happen. Hurting and learning from this hurt are a part of being human. Secondly, he told me that I am way, way too strong to let A GUY break me. This one kind of hit me like a truck --- maybe because I really, really needed to hear it --- and even though my mind most often times (yet again) makes me think otherwise, I know that he's right (dads usually are, after all). I am way too strong to cry about stupid guys who don't want to be with me for whatever reason(s), and I am way too strong to think that just because some guy doesn't want to be with me, it means that I'm worthless or too hard to love.

Maybe that's my main message to be taken away from all this ranting and explaining...

To All The Boys I've Loved Before... or rather To All The Boys I Thought That I Liked Before:

I am NOT worthless. I am NOT hard to love (take that, Negative Mind!!!).

Danielle Bradberry released a song in 2017 called "Worth It," and I really need to start believing in what it's saying: I am worth it, no matter how many times my mind may tell me that I'm not and no matter how many guys make me feel like I'm not. I am worth it, and I know that there's a guy out there somewhere who will believe that I am and who will never make me feel like I'm not; I know that there's a guy out there who will always make me feel like I am so much more than "worth it." He's out there --- I just have to believe that he is --- and I'll find him eventually. To All The Boys I Thought That I Liked Before: You taught me a lot of hard lessons... and you also taught me a lot about myself: you taught me to be strong and that just because I may stupidly cry about you, that doesn't mean that I'm not strong; crying makes one stronger, not weaker. You taught me to be smart, and I now know better than to fall for your bullshit. You taught me that you may suck, but that doesn't mean that all guys suck; there are still good guys out there, and not all of them are already taken or out of my league (because what the heck does the phrase "out of one's league" even mean???).

To All The Boys I Thought That I Liked Before:

Thank you. xoxo, Mag