A Beer At A Baseball Game

It's as simple-sounding as this: four days ago, I went to the Sox game --- my first game since probably 2016. Two years ago, I tried to go to with my dad and little brother, but it was sadly rained out; I remember being incredibly disappointed on that day, because even though the Sox arguably haven't been all that great since they won the World Series in 2005, I loved going to the games. To me, it was about the experience, not if the Sox won or lost --- honestly, I didn't really care that much about that --- and growing up, I remember that these games were exactly that: a fun experience. Plus, they were pretty much the only opportunity I ever got to indulge in my favorite ballpark snacks, corn-off-the-cob and Dippin' Dots (man, I miss those lil' guys). It maybe sounds kind of dumb, especially because I live in Chicago and it really isn't technically all that hard to get to the games (just a short train or car ride away from my house), but it had been my goal all summer to try to go to multiple Sox and/or Cubs games. It wasn't just going to a baseball game for me, though... I made this one of my summer goals because I wanted to try to fill my days with more fun than I had in Summer 2017, a summer that was filled with more loneliness and sadness than I want to admit. Unfortunately, I didn't entirely achieve this goal. Finally getting a beer at a Major League baseball game should have been my motivation alone, because since turning twenty-one, I still had not had one. Even though baseball game beers are way, way too expensive, I just really wanted one... just so I could say that I had one and could feel cool for finally having one (yes, I'm weird, but it's fine). However, instead of trying to achieve my goal, I got way too caught up in the "I'm too tired from work" or "I can't spend the money because of student loans" excuses and being too nervous or scared to ask someone(s) to go with me. Basically, I dropped the ball on that one (ha ha, no pun intended... because get it? Ball, baseball? No? Okay, at least I tried). This past Saturday, even though the weather wasn't very summery (hi there, sweater weather), I jumped at the opportunity to go to the Sox game with my best friend from high school... and FINALLY, after raving like crazy about it, I got my $10.50 Budlight draft. I was so giddy (it also could have been the Venti Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte --- yes, I am basic --- that I drank a couple of hours before and that was still coursing through my veins... but who knows), because I felt like I was *sort of* accomplishing my summer goal. I felt like I was spending money on fun, and I felt like I deserved to have fun. As I handed over my debit card to the cashier, however, a voice inside my head was screaming, "Are you nuts?! $10.50 for ONE beer?! You're wasting money when you have your student loan payment coming up in a couple of weeks!" I know that voice --- my oftentimes truly twisted voice of "reason" --- was partially right, especially because the ticket for the game was $13.00 (so yup... the beer was more than three-quarters of what I paid for the ticket --- if I did that math right. WHAT), but at the same time, I told that voice to shut the h*ck up, because this was an opportunity, an experience. I told that voice to shut the h*ck up, because this is what life is about: simple-sounding things that make life so much better and more tolerable, simple-sounding things that prove that life really doesn't suck as much as we sometimes think that it does. It's the simple things in life that are evidence that there really still are GREAT little things in the world, even though we sometimes forget about these great little things. There's a somewhat cheesy quote somewhere out there that says something along the lines of "Appreciate the little things in life, because one day you'll realize that these 'little' things were actually the big things," and even though it can be considered a teeny, tiny bit cheesy, there's also a whole lot of truth to this quote. I am at such a painful, confusing, and awkward point in my life right now. Everything --- literally everything --- in my life right now is so uncertain; everything is up in the air, and nothing has ever been like this before, because in the past, I always had a next move. I always had a Plan B. I always had a back-up plan to my back-up plan... but right now I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I've gone through all of my back-up plans, and I feel so, so, SO lost and stuck. I feel like my feet are super glued to the ground in the middle of China and I can't move or ask for directions.

Not having a plan scares me. I've been told multiple times by multiple people that I shouldn't be in such a rush to grow up, that I have my whole life to figure it out... but isn't that I'm in a rush to grow up; I am well aware that I am not anywhere close to being 'all grown up,' despite the fact that by a doctor's standards, I'm fully grown. I know that I have so much more growing up to do maturity wise (because even though I've always been way too mature for my age in some ways, I am still very immature in other ways), but I just want to have at least something figured out. I want at least one aspect of my future to be certain, and right now, I feel like nothing is certain, like I'm at a restaurant waiting for my food to be delivered except I have no idea what kind of food I'm going to get.

Uncertainty scares me. I was recently told that not having a plan and uncertainty are a part of what makes beautiful, because if we don't have a plan and things are uncertain, it means that anything can happen. As humans, we can make basically anything happen (well, anything within reason). We can do anything we want with our lives that we want. We can create any plan for ourselves that we want; we always have the power to do that, even when it feels like we don't.

I know that I know all of this, even though (a lot of the time) it feels like I don't know (holy cow. That's a lot of knows). I know that I can make anything I want happen. I can do anything I want with my life. I can create any kind of plan for myself that my little heart desires. I know that not having a plan and the uncertainty that goes along with this are so extremely scary (lol, remember when I was afraid of things like the dark? Good times), but there is SO MUCH fun in figuring it all out... and the fun comes from enjoying the little things. I'm still trying every day to appreciate the 'little' things in life --- things that remind me to JUST BREATHE --- things like my favorite song coming on shuffle on my Spotify without me choosing it or the free sushi I got today from Mariano's. I know that years from now I probably won't exactly remember specific little things like these, but I'll remember the experiences, opportunities, and, most importantly, circumstances surrounding them... and I'll remember them because right now, even though my future is uncertain and I'm scared, frustrated, lonely, sad, and so many other negative feelings, they are things that remind me that everything is going to be okay. Really and truly okay. They are things that remind me that I am going to be okay. They are things that remind me that sometimes, a beer at a baseball game is so much more than just a beer at a baseball game. xoxo, Mag