I Wanna See You Be Brave

Brave.

I've been thinking a lot about this seemingly simple, five-letter word recently. Truthfully, it has been echoing through my head for weeks now ---- since New Year's actually. On that night, my really good friend looked me straight in the eyes and told me that I am one of the bravest people she knows. Obviously, I rejected it, because even though I've recently written about how I am brave in attempt to start saying more positive things about myself, I wasn't very positive then (and even now, I still struggle with this whole "positivity is key" thing. It's hard). I've struggled a lot with being okay with accepting the compliment when people call me brave, and I've struggled even more with being okay with calling myself brave.

It's confusing to me, because I keep repeatedly thinking, "How can I, a physically weak, 5'2" human, be brave? How can I, an individual who has chickened out of so many opportunities and situations because I was too scared, be brave? How can I, a girl who is terrified basically eighty-five percent of her days, be brave?"

BRAVE is a deceivingly simple adjective used to describe a person who shows courage and who is ready to face and endure danger or pain. In reality, though, this definition isn't actually all that simple, and because I've been super into WAY overthinking things lately, I decided to pick it apart; I semi-like it a liiiiiiittle bit --- it's empowering and makes a person like a solider or warrior feel good for being called "brave" for volunteering to go into battle without any fear (especially because they are ready to face and endure the danger and pain that is associated with war) ---- but the keys here are "semi" and "a little bit." Truthfully, I don't really like this definition all that much, and I don't like it for two main reasons:

Reason #1: When I looked up the definition, the examples given using the word "brave" also used people exactly like I listed: soldiers and warriors (i.e. "a brave solider" or "the brave Indian warrior"). Like I mentioned, there is no doubt that soldiers and warriors are brave. I admire every man and woman who volunteers to enlist in some branch of the military, because I know that I could never do something like that ---- I could never make as many sacrifices as the people in the army, navy, air force, and marines often have to make. By that same token, firefighters and police officers are also brave, and I could never make the sacrifices that they also have to make. But this definition implies that if a solider/firefighter/police officer wasn't showing courage or wasn't ready to face and endure danger or pain, then that would mean that he or she isn't brave... but this isn't the case. Just because fear is present, doesn't mean that bravery isn't. Being brave doesn't mean that the person always has courage; it means that he or she is scared, but that they do it anyway.

Reason #2: From this definition's example, one could then assume that only soldiers/firefighters/police officers who fight physical wars against the "bad guys" are brave, but again, this is not the case. I've written about it before: sometimes, the "bad guys" aren't the physical ones, because sometimes, the "bad guys" can't even be seen, nor can the danger and the pain. Sometimes, the war is inside people's minds. These people are still soldiers and warriors, because any kind of fighting, even if it isn't charging physically into battle, still qualifies one as being a solider or a warrior. The people fighting internal battles are still "charging" into battle every day that they choose to wake up and keep fighting, even when they desperately want to give up. These people are brave, even though they may be scared like hell every time they wake up in the morning ---- even though they may not always be displaying "courage" because they're not ready. Once again, being brave means that the person is scared, but that they do it anyway.

It's no secret that life itself is scary as heck for everyone, because everyone, whether they will admit it or not, is scared; everyone is scared of something; everyone has fears. Sometimes fears are physical things, like spiders or needles or clowns or blood. Other fears can sort of be classified as physical, even though one can't really physically touch them, like heights or even the dark. Others are afraid of intangible things, like love or intimacy

---- physical and/or emotional ---- or socializing or rejection or trusting people (yes, I'm talking about myself).

We're all scared ---- sometimes even down right terrified ---- of all of these things, and yet we face them anyway, because we're brave. WE'RE SCARED, BUT WE DO THEM ANYWAY. And even if we don't face them (maybe we're too scared to), that doesn't mean that we aren't brave; that doesn't mean that we don't have courage; that doesn't mean that we will never be able to face the fear ---- the immediate absence of bravery does not and should not mean that one is automatically classified as cowardly. If we're too scared to immediately face the fear(s), that just means that we aren't ready to face them YET, and there's nothing wrong with that. It means that our bravery is building, preparing us to be able to face the fear(s) with so much strength, courage, and confidence that we won't even know why we were scared in the first place. Our bravery is never missing ---- it is never absent.

Our bravery is with us, always.

I know I'm somewhat contradicting myself, but I'm working on it; I know that in the opening paragraph I said that I was confused about how a person like me could ever be considered brave, because I'm too small, weak, and scared. However, I know that I'm not always small or weak or scared (sometimes I am big and strong and not scared!); I know that despite these qualities with seemingly negative connotation, I am still brave because each and every day, I face my fears even when I don't want to. I face them because I know that I have to ---- I know that I need to face them.

On the other hand, sometimes my mindset changes and I decide that I don't actually need to face my fears; I tell myself that "I will eventually" (which basically just translates to "I'm going to keep avoiding it and avoiding it and avoiding it, because if I pretend it doesn't exist then it goes away, right?"). I convince myself that it's fine if I don't face them, because it's okay that I have fears, that it's okay if they never go away and I have them for the rest of my life. I don't know why I do this, but I do, and it's so frustrating; nonetheless, I know that even when this happens, my bravery is never missing; my bravery is still there even on the days where I don't want to face my fears ---- my many many fears ---- because I am brave.

My bravery is still there even when I'm too scared to leave the house. My bravery is still there even when I'm at a party or a bar and I stand in the corner instead of socializing because I'm too scared to talk to people. My bravery is still there even when I hold back from opening up to people because I'm too scared to trust them. My bravery is still there when I choose not to do my hair or my makeup a certain way or wear a certain outfit because I'm too scared that people will judge me for it. My bravery is still there even when I choose not to speak up during a discussion or a debate (whether academic or just for fun) because I'm too scared that people will think that what I have to say is dumb. My bravery is even there when I don't kiss a cute boy I like, even when I know that he likes me, because I'm too scared to kiss him (oh dear... *blushes*).

My bravery is there ---- it's always there ---- and I'll tell you why:

Even when I don't do the things that I know that I'm supposed to be doing ---- the things that I know that I should and need to do ---- in order to help me get better, I am still choosing to wake up and face the world every day instead of giving up; I am still choosing to do what I can to keep on moving forward, despite the fact that my feet sometimes drag; I am still choosing to smile at and spend time with my family and my friends; I am still choosing to apply to jobs and make plans (academic and socials ones!) for the future that I KNOW will be bright and amazing; I am still choosing life and hope and love and friendship and smiling.

All of this analyzing and explaining is inspired by a quote that I found on Instagram (via poemsporn_) the other day:

"Sometimes, bravery isn't saving a life by trading yours. Sometimes bravery is getting up every morning and facing this world even when you don't want to. Bravery is in the effort you make in convincing yourself that this isn't the end and being convinced that there's a life ahead, full of opportunities, and this is just a phase. You do not always need to believe that you have stars and galaxies inside you; on some days, miracles sound like bullshit. Sometimes realizing a beating heart and letting it beat one more time is enough. Counting your breaths and breathing just one more time is enough. No matter how harsh it sounds, living for yourself is enough. Getting yourself out of this mess is enough. Existing is enough because you matter ---- you really do. So next time you lay in your bed and think about the valuation of your existence, remember that bravery is not always in saving someone else; sometimes, saving yourself is enough."

This quote emphasizes what I've pretty much been saying this whole time: bravery is also in facing this crazy life every day with the belief that you don't always have to feel as amazing as the stars look, because sometimes, feeling just "okay" is enough. Sometimes, knowing that you have a beating heart inside of you is amazing enough. Getting out of whatever hard time you may be going through is amazing enough. Existing is enough. Other people in your life are so SO important ---- there's no doubt that they are ---- but sometimes it's okay to just live for yourself, because sometimes, saving yourself is enough.

It is extremely similar to another one I found years ago on some social media site (I don't remember which one... there's so many these days and I can't keep up) that someone posted. Anyhow, it said:

today, my anthro professor said something kind of really beautiful:

"you all have a little bit of 'I want to save the world' in you. that's why you're here, in college. I want you to know that it's okay if you only save one person, and it's okay if that person is yourself."

Bravery ---- being brave ---- really doesn't always have to involve saving someone else's life like police officers, firefighters, and people in the military do every day (although as I've stressed, all of these individuals are extremely brave, and they obviously have more than a little bit of "I want to save the world" in them like the second quote talks about). Other times, though, this concept of "saving people" really actually only involves saving one person, and that is so truly and completely okay if that person is yourself. It is so truly and completely okay if the someone's life you save is your own... it is okay if YOU are the someone that you save.

Bravery is in accepting that you are worth saving, and you are worth calling yourself brave.

xoxo,

Mag