This Is Me

Two nights ago, I saw The Greatest Showman with some friends, and even though the entire movie was incredible and I already want to see it about a thousand more times, there was one scene and song in particular where I was so mesmerized that I'm pretty sure that I stopped breathing. I got lots and lots of tiny little goosebumps all over my arms (I got chills, they're multiplyin'!!!), because I felt like the song's lyrics were speaking directly to me; there is no doubt that there were other members of the audience that felt this way, too.

The song is called "This Is Me," and it is described as a fight song for the underdog, a song meant to empower those ostracized by society for being different. Because the movie surrounds the stories of the "freaks" of society ---- the outcasts ---- the director called this song the anthem of the movie... and it is. It is by far the most "HECK YEAH" song in entire musical, and in my opinion, the scene where this song plays is most definitely the climax; it is the turning point of the movie, because it is when all these "outcasts" of society, these people who have been forced (literally and figuratively) to stand on the outskirts of everyone else ---- the "normal" people ---- for their entire lives, decide that they are no longer going to do so. They are warriors, and they will not be made to feel ashamed of who they are any longer.

"This Is Me" is most definitely my favorite song in the movie, and since two nights ago, I have probably listened to it over fifty times (I'm not exaggerating... I just really really love it). Obviously, I'm not a lady with a beard, nor am seven feet tall. I don't have albinism, nor am I a black woman in the 1870s rudely judged and labeled to be just "the help." When I walk into a room, people don't stare at me in disgust like they used to at people like those presented in the movie. From the looks of me, I am not an "underdog." I am not an "outcast." I am a normal-looking girl who seemingly would never be ostracized by society for being different.

The thing is, though, sometimes, you're ostracized for the things you can't see; you're made to feel like an outcast, a "freak," for things going on inside your mind that no one else can understand nor make sense of; you're "different" than everyone else ---- you aren't "normal" like everyone else ---- because you don't have a "normal" brain like everyone else. Instead, you have a brain infected and constantly plagued by depressive and anxious thoughts, a brain with abnormal serotonin levels. You have a brain that is constantly at war with itself, and nothing ever makes sense.

Approximately four years ago, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety (or Major Depressive Disorder and Generalized Anxiety Disorder with just a splash of Social Anxiety Disorder to be fancy, as I've talked about before). Since then, not a day has gone by where I have not wished that I could just be "normal" ---- not a day has gone by where I have not wished that I could be just like everyone else. I have wished countless times on countless 11:11s (even though it's useless) that I could just have a regular brain; I don't want to have conditions that are classified in the DSM ---- I don't want to fit into it at all, because I would much rather "fit in" to normal society. I would much rather not be made to feel like an outcast ---- I would much rather not be judged and/or rejected by society ---- just because I have mental health issues.

Because I have been judged.

I have been rejected.

I have been judged and rejected for having depression and anxiety.

I have been told that I feel too much, that I'm too sensitive. I have been told that I am just "too much" to deal with in general, and as I've blogged about before, "too much" of anything is never a good thing. I have been told to just "brush it off," to just "let it go," to just "calm down"

---- as if it were all that simple. I have been told to "just smile" and to not let it show when I'm sad or upset; I have been told that I can't be so sad and upset, because then I'm not fun to hang out with anymore. I have been told that I shouldn't even blog about my feelings too much, because other people might be turned off because of it... especially employers.

I know that I should be wary of employers finding my blog, because the things I write about are very deep and are often sometimes even dark. I know I should be careful, because I don't want an employer to choose not to hire me because of the things I write about. Employers want to see the best version of me, not the broken/scared/nervous/unsure/etc version that I show on this blog. In reality, though, it isn't just employers; it's everyone. Everyone always expects to see the best version of everyone else, and they want (and expect) to always see the best version of me ---- that's the whole point of social media, isn't it? They want to see all the good moments and good parts of me, not the bad parts... people don't want to see the bad parts of me.

I don't understand (what else is new?), because I'm not always the best version of me. A lot of times, I'm this broken and scared version ---- this version of me is who I am, too, even though I wish that it didn't have to be... and so because of this, I took down the link to my blog from my Instagram profile because I was so scared and unsure of what people would think of this broken version of me. I deleted the post inviting people to go read my blog because I was so scared and unsure that maybe it wasn't actually a good idea to put myself out there ---- to put my heart out there ---- like that.

Watching The Greatest Showman and hearing "This Is Me," this fear started to leave me. Just like all of the people labeled "freaks" in the movie, I realized that I will NOT apologize for who I am anymore; I will NOT hide who I am anymore, and I need to stop doing this thing where I gain the confidence to show who I am and then a few days later, I lose it because "I'm scared." Instead, I need to keep this mindset that I am me, and who I am is okay. I am okay.

Everything the song says is true about me (and about anyone else who currently feels or has ever felt like an outcast and/or like they don't belong):

I'm not a stranger to the dark. This darkness has been consuming me for the past four years, and possibly even longer. People have told me to hide my feelings, because they don't want to see my broken parts. As my depression and anxiety have gotten worse, I have learned to be so ashamed of them; I have learned to be so ashamed of all of my scars ---- literal ones and figurative ones. I have often been made to feel and think that no one is going to love me because of these scars... but here's the thing:

I will not let sharp words or judgments tear me down. People can fire away their bullets ---- their judgments ---- at me, but I will NOT let them sink in. Yes, I may be bruised, but I am brave, too. I am glorious; I am a warrior.

Above all, I know that I deserve love. There's nothing that I'm not worthy of.

I'm not scared to be seen.

I make no apologies.

This is me.

xoxo,

Mag