One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer: I've Had A Record Year
I don't actually like bourbon or scotch (or any kind of hard liquor in general for that matter, sorry), and the only kinds of beer I like are the light ones because a) I'm a wimp and can't really handle IPAs or anything like that, and that's because b) I grew up surrounded by Bud Light, Coors Light, and Miller Lite, so those were the norm for me. I chose this blog title because this song is awesome (it's also kind of sad... but still, shout out to you, Eric Church), but mostly because I really have had a record year; 2017 really and truly has been one for the books (my personal books, that is).
To backtrack a bit: based on what happened throughout 2016, it was arguably the worst year of my life. I quit cross country/track; I medically withdrew from school the second semester my junior year of college (for reasons that will be further explained at a later date); I cried all the time about everything, mostly about how frustrated I was at myself and my circumstances; I stopped "going out" to house parties with my teammates and instead isolated myself ---- I thought being alone would just be easier; I was coming home pretty much every weekend; I was so incredibly socially anxious all the time --- I hated leaving my apartment to go to my classes or the grocery store; I was constantly sleeping instead of studying; and, above all, I decided to transfer back home because I couldn't handle it all anymore.
At 11:59PM on December 31, 2016, I was so so excited, because as the bar I was at near downtown Chicago was counting down to 2017, I couldn't wait for the year to come. I had so many goals for myself, the main one being that I wasn't going to let the fact that basically all of my friends were in a different state ---- the one I had left for good ---- stop me from being happy; I told myself that happiness very much could (and would!!!) be possible. I took the phrase "new year, new me" and ran with it: I dyed my hair darker, started at a new university, and found a job as a hostess at a restaurant near my house. Because of the new school and new job, I knew that I had plenty of opportunities to meet new people and, more importantly, to possibly make new friends. I told myself that no matter what, it was going to be a good year filled with plenty of great memories and opportunities to grow and improve myself as a person.
The start of 2017, however, wasn't very different from how 2016 had been; I was still crying all the time about my frustrations with myself and my medication ---- I just wanted to feel like it was working, like it was actually helping me for once. As a result, I was angry all the time; what was wrong with me? Why couldn't the medicine just help me to be better? Better yet, why did I even need medicine to make me better? I was still going to therapy, too, but why did I even need therapy to make me better? Why couldn't I just "be better" without either of them? Why couldn't I just be "normal"? Why couldn't I just be like other people? WHY WAS I LIKE THIS?
I stupidly tried "drinking to forget" a couple times ---- the WORST decision EVER ---- I just wanted to block out my frustration, my anger, my sadness, and my mental pain as a whole for a little while. Drinking to forget, though, is and never ever will be a good idea. It doesn't make anything better; it just makes everything ten times worse. My first lesson of this was drinking so much I threw up and passed out, which then forced my friend at the time to carry me up several flights of stairs. The next morning (along with a killer headache) all the frustration, anger, sadness, and mental pain came rushing back --- and I knew that it always would come rushing back ---- because drinking a lot doesn't make one forget; it just makes one numb for a very short period of time, which is why it is and always will be a stupid idea.
However, throughout all this frustration and everything that came along with it, I still managed to make new friends (two girls that are now two of my closest friends... hi guys!) at my new job. A guy I worked with even showed interest in me and asked for my number, a foreign concept to me. Though nothing came of it, it made me realize that I wasn't as invisible as I thought I was, that sometimes, people could notice me. This idea, nonetheless, still terrified me, and I still felt myself being socially anxious all the time. I didn't "go out" ever; going to the grocery store with my mom or my dad or out to dinner with my family was "going out" for me. Other than those two "outings," I went to school and I went to work ---- that was pretty much it.
It wasn't until the summer that I decided that I needed to break out of my shell. If I ever wanted my life and my circumstances to get better, then I needed to start actively trying to make them better ---- I needed to start following the advice of the canvas I painted for myself that I have had hanging in my room for three years now:
Step one was actually hanging out with the first friend that I had made at work instead of just texting her all the time, starting with going to Sugar Factory in Chicago River North (which then became weekly "dates" on Wednesdays). This step was to prove to myself that I could be social and make a new friend, even though it was a little scary.
Step two was hanging out by myself but not isolating, meaning that even though I was alone and I wasn't socializing with anyone, I still wasn't sleeping; instead, I was reading or working on the homework I had for the classes I was in that summer. This step was to prove to myself that I could spend time alone and actually enjoy it instead of being sad and thinking that I was lonely.
Step three was deciding to transition from hostess to server, because even though the idea of being a server scared me (I was a server when I was nineteen and I hated it), I knew that it was another way to push me outside of my comfort zone. Servers also got paid more than hostesses because of tips, so that was another plus. This step was to prove to myself that just because I had a bad experience of a certain thing in the past, that didn't mean that I needed to let that dictate my future.
Step four was joining Tinder ---- yes, Tinder ---- because I knew that I needed to start actually putting myself out there instead of being constantly disappointed that there weren't any guys in existence that were right for me. Even though I knew the gist of the app, I also knew that I might just find a couple nice guys who wanted to just go on dates... and I did. I had never been on a date in my life, really, but because of Tinder, I went on four. This step was to prove to myself that I could put myself out there and that I couldn't keep being afraid of doing so.
Step five was going back to visit the first university I left so I could see my friends that I hadn't seen in several months. This step was to prove to myself that even though it didn't feel like it sometimes ---- especially during the times when I felt most alone ---- the friends I made at this university will always always be great friends because they are even greater people.
Step six was finally deciding to hang out --- really hang out, like "going out" hanging out, not just "getting coffee" hanging out ---- with the second friend that I had made from work. As a result of this decision, my 2017 life drastically changed for the better (something that I didn't think was possible, because I was convinced that the remainder of my 2017 was destined to just be crappy), because I met so many more new people who I can now call my friends. This step was to prove to myself that I don't need to be so afraid of making new friends, that nice and wonderful people really do still exist in the world and aren't just all hiding at the university from which I transferred; nice, wonderful people are here, in Chicago, too, and they include me in their group and make me feel like I belong, that I'm finally a part of something again.
All of these steps were helpful in their own ways (some clearly and definitely more than others) and because of them and so many others, I am able to say that my 2017 is ending arguably twenty times better than it started. Because of these steps, I am able to say...
2018, I'm ready for you.
xoxo,
Mag
